A Text To You

You,

It upsets me that you don’t text me back… not because I’m immature and need a text back, but because we’ve been through so much together and I think you’re such an amazing person deep down… and as I’ve grown I’ve realized I just want to be a positive impact in your life, but it upsets me that you don’t see me as that… I know I shouldn’t care so much, but I do because you meant so much to me and still do in a different way. 

I just want you to know and realize that my intentions are pure and I’m not trying to make this into something when I reach out to you.. at all. I just want to be friends. I don’t like feeling like I have an enemy on this earth… I just want to be someone in your life that pushes you to be better.. because I didn’t for a long time which I realized. 

I have no problem with expressing how I feel about this and you because I don’t want to bottle it up. I know you’re doing well, and I hope you continue to be well. And I know you don’t need me in your life anymore and that’s okay. But I hope you know that all I want for you is the best. 
You are an angel on this earth and I truthfully feel as though it’s my duty to make you see that.. not only you but everyone. We all have something special inside of us.. a lot of potential… and you- you’re going to flourish once you know and understand how much greatness you’re put here for… I don’t doubt that. Hopefully one day you will see my words as true… because I did break you down in the past and that’s something I’m sorry for. Something I think about often. I know it’s not my duty to “fix” you. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just trying to get you to realize your truest potential. 

I don’t know if you remember this, but on the night of Christmas you and I were sitting outside of your garage, at the bottom of the driveway, and I was sobbing in your arms and I told you that you were an angel.. a literal angel.. you didn’t understand… and I don’t think I even understood… at that time, I was in a really really different place. I saw myself as a demon.. as a bad, bad person… someone who didn’t deserve to be around you. 

Eight months later I still remember this moment and now I understand it. I realize why I was crying as I was calling you an angel. I didn’t learn this til recently. I was crying because this bad person I saw myself to be, didn’t deserve to be with you… 
I’ve grown a lot… I’ve changed a lot… a lot for the better.. I no longer see myself as a bad person. I still fight off impure thoughts and doubts and whatnot, but it’s different…. I couldn’t look myself in the mirror for a long time.. I couldn’t look myself in the eyes… it was because I not only hurt an angel, but because I saw so much darkness inside of me…

Now, I look in the mirror and see light…. I see someone who is helping others. I see someone who is trying to bring out all the angels of the world…. I also see an angel… for the first time in my life I am starting to see myself as an angel…. 

All this might sound crazy to you but hopefully one day you’ll understand… 

– Me

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